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When it comes to Facebook we each have a unique experience. No single person has the same corral of friends, the same amount of quirkiness, drama, elation, or shock. Every newsfeed is different.
MINE IS EXCEPTIONAL!
I’ve been able to categorize most of the posts I see into 6 personalities that appear every week in my newsfeed.
“Please Talk To Me!”
The self-esteem deprived soul who sits online throughout the day hoping to interact with someone from their friend’s list. They respond within seconds so everyone who comments can see their comment first. They’re always available on IM hoping to get chatted up by a “friend”. Sometimes, out of pure desperation, they TEXT you instead of commenting in order to really make the point, “Wow I just saw your post.”
Please, please will someone be their friend already!
“Hot Picture from 2008”
We all know what this eludes to. “I’ve just scrolled through all of your albums to get to your pictures from 5 years ago. I’m gonna hit “like” because I want you to know that I was just stalking your page. Hopefully now you’ll like me even more.”
I’ve gone out with you before. You took me to the Cheesecake Factory, ordered fancy drinks, dinner, and dessert. Then you asked to go dutch, which gave me all the validation I needed to de-friend you but only after I posted who you are and what you did in my newsfeed.
“Debbie-Downer”
Don’t you just love scrolling through your newsfeed to find:
“All of you haters can just HATE mmm-kay. Especially that skank that spilled her drink on me tonight. I hope she gets ruffied.”
Sweet mother of buddha what is crawling up your ass and growing horns?! Maybe you just got dumped. Perhaps you’re on your period. But hey….HEY!...the rest of us are going through life just fine so take a Percaset.
“Best EVER!”
They’re annoying as hell. They’re happier than Rainbow Brite. In one day you can find multiple contradictions to what is “the best EVER”. Pictures of their pets, videos of their kids, countdowns to their vacations….everything is, “like, the best EVER.”
But if you’re like me you can’t help but love reading their posts. Instant smiles….every time. If I had the chance I’d put “Debbie Downer” and “Best EVER” in the octagon and watch them fight to the death.
“I love food. LOOK here’s my food”
The most irritating of all Facebook posts goes to the food whores.
Look, man, I’ve been there too. That venison looks amazing, smells amazing, and that first bite…DAMN GINA! But there is NO WAY we will care as much as you do. Your phone camera will not do it justice. Trust me when I say it looks more like cold leftovers - we're not jealous.
“Over-Poster”
This grows exponentially annoying when meshed with the self-esteem deprived soul. No matter what time I post, they “like” it. No matter how offensive, they “like” it. I could post that my dog died and they’d “like” it.
Yo, buddy, I get it. You read my posts. You follow my life religiously. But we are not going to be closer friends because of it. In fact, you kinda creep me out so I don’t think I’ll ever be inviting you to happy hour.
The irony is we all acknowledge that we can be any type of persona online but then choose to be ourselves which is far more hilarious, controversial, and dramatic than if we tried otherwise. I don't know about you but I'm sure gonna thank my friends of various personalities who keep me entertained, aggravated, and smiling all day, everyday.
so true
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